What does it take for mentoring “at risk” kids to “work”?

So I have “mentored” three young men for the past twelve years. They rank in the top five joys and blessings of my life. I love them so much and think they are just so amazing beyond words. That said, it has been hard. Very very hard. For them. For me. These are my thoughts on that process and on the “afterschool tutoring”/”mentoring disadvantaged kids” trend that is quite popular these days. This is a tad long, but I think worth it, as it is one of the areas I am most passionate about and actually know a little about.

First a note on terminology: I put “at risk” and “work” in quotes because I’m not sure if either of those are the greatest terms to describe what I am talking about, but I can’t think of others that work better. I think we label inner-city and/or minority kids “at risk” and it turns them into Those At Risk Kids rather than just people trying to make their way in the world. That said, kids whose families are poor, kids who grow up in the inner-city, and/or kids who are part of a minority ethnicity/race, face a whole host of factors that stack the cards against them, and it is important to acknowledge that they are up against a lot that has really nothing to do with who they are and everything to do with the way our society is structured. I say “what does it take to make mentoring “work”?” because the whole idea of what is a “success” that has really “worked” makes it seem like mentoring is meant to churn our “good” members of society. This is a problem. I wanted the boys I mentored to be happy, safe, and feel loved, like most people want for people/children who they care about. Part of this is the hope that their criminal record would be non-existent or minor, that they wouldn’t have children earlier than they were ready, that they wouldn’t be involved in drug sales (one of the only lucrative jobs available to them with the sort of sucky inner-city education they got), that they could have a job that make them happy and feel secure, that they would find a partner they loved, etc. This is different than the grappling, desperate hope of preventing “those kids” from becoming criminals, which is the underlying message/goal of lots of inner-city mentoring/after school programs.

So, enough with terminology. I think you get the point.

The main thing I wanted to raise in this post is that afterschool tutoring programs and mentoring programs mostly serve the purpose of exposing privileged teenagers to social injustices. The best result of this is that they are more aware of these social injustices and aware that they are structural issues (and not because poor/minority folks are lazy or bad parents, etc.). This is actually important because I can’t think of any other way to get privileged people to understand their privilege, and to understand social injustice other than getting to know people different from them. Volunteer programs help with this and the good ones help volunteers reflect on this, and integrate it into their world view. The idea would be to produce volunteers who will be moved enough by their experiences to want to change the world.

What these programs usually don’t do is actually help the kids have any more stability in their lives, get better grades or be less “at risk.” I know that there are exceptions, but by and large, these programs do not actually help the kids. The best programs realize this, and instead do the programs with the knowledge that it is mostly about volunteers learning from communities, with a sometimes side-benefit of actually supporting those communities in the struggle for the justice that they deserve.

The programs mostly don’t work because, first, the schools that poor and minority kids go to are so bad that a little tutoring here and there by high school students cannot even begin to compensate for the inadequate education that kids from inner-city schools get. (How do I know this? The book Shame of the Nation by Jonathan Kozol deals with this extensively, and I did the research for the book so I’ve poured over these stats and narrative accounts, and studies, um, a lot.)

Another reason they don’t work is because, there is a lot of talk about “loving the kids” and “building relationships” in these programs, but this doesn’t work if you volunteer for one semester, or even a year or two. As cute as the kids may be, “loving them” involves more than showing up once a week to tutor them. And they know it. Many kids from the inner-city have seen hundreds of people come and go, bearing gifts of bicycles, candy, fun games, parties, tutoring books (and often the message of Jesus). They are onto the game. They live it up. Play along. Hug you and smile, but they know that when it gets hard, the tutoring people aren’t around. Not when Dad goes to jail. Not when Mom looses her job, when the phone gets cut off, when the shots ring out.

Someone said something like this to me early in my conversion to Christianity when I was still trying hard to do everything everyone at my church told me to. They said, “Lots of people come and go in these kids lives. You need to be there for them.” So, when I got my first group of tutoring kids I decided, “Okay, these are my kids.” This is not to say, “Oh what a hero I am” but to say that mentoring can’t work unless it is for the long haul. Late night calls. Money transfers. Going out to Chucky Cheese even when you are so tired and just want to rest. Answering the hard questions and confused tears about why we are always stopped by the police - black kids with a white girl. Explaining to the people at ice cream store that we will not leave and you can’t just ban people from your store just because. Knowing when to be the tough big sister or when to just listen. Not having any idea what you are doing and needing to just keep going anyway. And explaining for the five millionth time why you cannot call each other gay even if you “don’t mean anything” by it.

Is mentoring some sort of answer? I would say absolutely not. It is great if you can do it. If you stick with it, love unconditionally, are willing to help financially, emotionally, even on those days when you are tired, and even when the mentorees make the ten thousandth bad decision (as most kids will do), it can “work.” It is the most rewarding thing in my life - the young men bring me more joy than I can put into words. I LOVE to laugh with them, and I am not a huge laugh-er. I think my presence and never-ending-even-when-it-seems-stupid belief in them has made a difference. But they still struggle SO MUCH because being poor in the United States is hard. Being black is hard. It’s like no matter how hard they try, there is often something else that just knocks them down. And there is only so much I can do, they can do, their moms can do. And my love and commitment to them hasn’t done much or even almost anything to change the system. And it has taken a whole lotta energy. I do it because I love them and they love me, but it is so so so frustrating to see that EVERY OTHER KID they know and I know from the tutoring program where I met them is not doing well. Pregnant very young. Shot. Jail. Abused. No decent educations. We sometimes go over the kids that we all knew, and we can’t come up with anyone doing well. It is depressing.

I don’t mean this to be some sort of authoritative article on mentoring or that I am some sort of guru. It is just that I don’t hear a lot of people sticking with the mentoring thing through elementary school all the way to college. It makes me upset to see mentoring programs that are all self-congratulatory and then don’t even have a long-term way to maintain contact with the kids. That is FINE if you don’t want to be in it for the long-haul, but if you want to make a difference, the long-haul is what it will take. I guess I am looking for more honesty about what these sorts of mentoring/tutoring programs can and can’t do for communities and their children. And honesty about what it really takes to make a dent in the numbing barrage of injustices that far too many children face every single day.

May we continue to do the hard work of love and justice wherever and however we can.

2000

2007

Home Sweet Home

We’re visiting my family in Kentucky and it is so nice.  It is warm.  People are warm.  No one has flipped me off once driving. There are fields. And grass. And my cousins.  Life is good.

Putting All Your Worldly Belongings In Boxes and other thoughts

I’m sure my loyal readers (hi Rebecca and Mom!) have noticed my lack of posts recently. It is the end of the semester so it is paper writing time, and we are moving, both of which cuts into blogging time. A summer goal is to make sure to update regularly.

I have so many thoughts on moving (and packing up all our STUFF) and graduating from my masters program and some thoughts on recent cat situations we have been in (as cat foster parents) but really, I’m just taking a break from packing so I won’t try to articulate those thoughts now. Mostly I just wanted to say hello and have a break. A very nice and kind blog (Letting Each Other Go) has named me as a thinking blog. Wow, it is so nice to be affirmed as a blogger (also thanks to Donna and Barbara who have been affirming about the blog lately) and I will soon respond to the tagging (is that the right word) as a thinking blog. I think I will get to name five blogs that make ME think. And really blogs have been so helpful in giving me a sense not only of what is going on out there in UU world, but in thinking about some important theological and just generally important issues.

For now, it is time to go through more boxes of accumulated things, many of which I haven’t opened since we moved. Why not just toss them out since I clearly forget what is in them? Good question. I think that my keeping of things to a clearly unreasonable degree has something to do with not wanting to forget my life - as I look through my boxes (and boxes) of saved papers, saved bottles, saved toys, hair clips, and other things, each one is like a memory. And it is only when I look at my things - or perhaps only when I know they are in my basement if I want to look at them - that I access those moments in my life that otherwise would fade and eventually disappear. I’m sure there is something there that a therapist could explain, but for now, if I have the room, I guess I’ll just keep my little things until I can let them go and take comfort that many memories are stored up in nice blue boxes. It does make me sad to think of what will happen to my years of diaries (since first grade!) and scrapbooks and boxes of “keepsakes” when I am gone. I’ve toted them around from apartment to apartment for a very long time now. I know I LOVE to look through boxes of old things from my parents and grandparents. I hope my children will look through my boxes and get a similar thrill of being an archaeologist of sorts - an attic archeologist - discovering what made/gave meaning to generations before.

Enough for now. Happy Spring - finally!

Elizabeth

Math Use Declines in Many Areas of the Country

I saw this confusing yet scary headline on Yahoo! News.  I was envisioning parts of the country where they no longer use addition or subtraction.  No more counting money, or miles, or hours.  Then I looked again and realized that it was meth use that had declined, not math.  Still, I got a kick out of envisioning what the decline of math use in some parts of the country might look like.

On another note, I turned my master’s thesis in today.  Whoo-hoo!  That means you can look forward to more posts on the sexual purity movement, drawn from the finalized thesis.  I know. You are the edge of your seats.

And I’m home from Nicaragua, but missing my friends there (but not the dust).  My hives (yes, I had five days of hives while there) are gone.  Great memories, even with the hives, remain.

From Nicaragua - Random Thoughts, Small World.

I am in Nicaragua with my mom.  It is her first time leaving the country. It is wonderful, stressful, overwhelming.  My mom is very extroverted and would love to talk to everyone although she doesn´t speak Spanish. I am introverted and don´t like to draw attention to my U.S. American self so this makes for an interesting mix.  I am translating for her the best I can and trying not to cringe at how much attention it draws to us to say so much to so many people.  Neither way is better, just different.  It wouldn´t be a problem if I didn´t have to do the translation.  But, then again, when she talks there is no pressure on me to be talkative. Not that I am silent - I am just not one to make random conversation. Especially in Spanish which is difficult in the first place. 

Interestingly, no one here - that is, my Nicaraguan friends - seems even remotely interested in my life, so if I want to say something, I have to volunteer it. And to just volunteer random information about my life isn´t so much my style.  No questions like “How is school going?”  Not about school, work, religion, politics, cats, etc.  I wonder if it is a language barrier although I really don´t think so.  But, my host family does love to see pictures of my life and asked about my grandma who was sick when I was here last time.  I guess I don´t mind, but for all the talk of being close friends and family (as in host family) I feel like no one here knows me well.  Or cares to that much.  I have told this to my friend Francisco who speaks English and he seems to have no explanation for lack of interest in my life. He blames it in part on his lack of English, except that he is perfectly fluent, so that doesn´t really explain it.  But whatever. Not a big deal.  Just a tad sad, given how interested I am in the lives of my friends here. It is nice when it is reciprocal.

I love the sun and the weather.  I have a slight sunburn, but I would take that any day over snow.  The weather makes me feel much better - the warmth and the sun life my spirits.  Even mixed with the large amount of dust.

We visited the school where I worked two summers ago. I enjoyed it and the children were kind and welcoming, as were the teachers.

There was a funny, yet at least for me a somewhat painful experience with some of the gifts I brought for my (host) family and friends here. Bringing gifts in the first place is a funny thing because of course they cost me money that I wouldn´t normally spend.  It is a difficult balance between wanting to show my appreciation for the kind and wonderful welcoming spirit that I am shown by people here, and realizing that my resources are not only greater than what most folks have here, but are in a sense built in some part on the backs of Nicaraguans and other “developing” countries who make the cheap things that I buy, and who have suffered greatly under the dreadful hegemony of the United States over the years. Yet, I also don´t want to come across as Elizabeth Santa Claus trotting in from the U.S. bearing gifts.  It is a funny and hard balance for me.  So anyway, I thought it would be nice to buy the two families and the one friend I am closest with here things from Boston or Harvard.  So I got shirts from Hidden Sweets, a store in Harvard Square. But when I gave the shirt to my friend Francisco we discovered that the company that made the shirts (Gildan) is the company he works out here in Nicaragua.  The shirt was made by a different factory but same company in Honduras.  It is an exploitive company that pushes workers hard, underpays them, requires too much overtime, and is generally an unpleasant place to work.  So here I am giving someone who I care about very much a shirt as a gift from this dreadful company that exploits the workers of which he is one.  I feel like I am not doing a good job of communicating why this felt so weird, but it did.  Francisco, bless his heart, thought it was mostly funny.  He has a good spirit and seems relatively at peace with things and his family thought it was funny too.  But I hated it - it represented exactly what I don´t like about being from the U.S. - that difference that I would like so much to minimize.  It isn´t like I run around feeling guilty all the time in Nicaragua.  But I think I would be remiss not to be aware of the differences in life in Nicaragua and life in the United States and the reasons for those differences and the way that I am privileged by those inequalities between our countries.

More later.  I have a lot to say but I think marathon posts are no fun to read.  I´ll share more when I have time.

Sonrisas - Elizabeth

Preparing to go to Nicaragua

I leave for Nicaragua in four days. I’m so looking forward to it. I have been very very sick the last week with the flu and an attack of killer cold sores, but I seem to be recovering fast enough that I should be able to go. Being sick has put me more behind on the thesis than would be ideal, but I’m trying to work diligently and get it done before I leave.

Because I know how helpful it would have been for me to have a good packing list prior to living in Nicaragua in the Summer of 2005, and because I need to pack for this time anyway, I’m posting my packing list here. This is a list for someone who does not plan on camping or going out and doing things in rainforests or such. A little walking - yes. Hiking up a volcano - no.

• If you can’t pick it up and run 50 meters with it, it is too much.  Err on the side of light.  You can probably buy what you need there if you decide against something and MUST have it.
• Backpack with a waterproof cover
• Light poncho or raincoat
• Umbrella, particularly if it is the rainy season
• Sunglasses and a sun hat (if sun hats are your thing)
• Sunscreen
• All summer clothes except for a pair of tennis shoes, some socks, a sweatshirt, and one pair of heavier jeans. Everything else should be light and summer-y. You will sweat ALL THE TIME. Something to consider in what clothes you pack.
• If you are staying a short time (1-2 weeks) try to pack enough underwear so you won’t have to wash clothes, which is done by hand (by you or someone you pay). If you are staying longer, still pack lots of underwear since the need for clean underwear often determines when you have to finally do clothes.
• Towelettes. Most showers are cold in Nicaragua, unless you are in a hotel in which case sometimes showers are heated in creative ways often involving electricity and wires in your shower. I like Ponds towelettes but really any kind can do to get the dust and sweat off of your skin in between showers.
• I would also suggest bringing especially strong face wash since many skin types are not used to so much sweat, dust, and sun. I broke out while I was there and you can get some things at the grocery store, but if you have a special kind of wash you prefer, bring that. You may not be be able to find just what you are looking for.
• As needed: Toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving supplies, makeup, hairdryer, shampoo, conditioner, soap, small hand mirror (there were no mirrors in the house of the family I stayed with). Avoid fragranced items, they attract insects. You can buy most of these basic things in Nicaragua in most towns if you forget something.
• Mosquito repellent with a high % of deet
• Antibacterial gel
• A mosquito net or tent.
• Camera and if you need film, bring as much as you need.
• Swimming suit/shorts.
• Towel and wash cloth (unless you are staying in an especially nice hotel).
• One of those things from a camping store with a compass, thermometer, and watch on it (I found very helpful).
• Rehydration salts, Immodium AD, antimalarial medicine, antibiotics,Tylenol or Ibuprofen, antiseptic, Band-Aids, hydrocortisone, vitamins, birth control, etc. Leave prescription medication in its container with dosage information.
• If you wear classes or contacts and need your glasses to see, bring extra pair of glasses. Bring contact cleaning and storage solution.
• Bring some U.S. dollars to exchange in airport for cordobas. There are ATMs in many bigger towns in Shell gas stations and at some banks, although the fee will probably be about $5. ATMs can be down for days, thus the reason to bring some cash to start with. Try not to care large amounts of cash on you if you can help it. Keep some cash and credit cards separate so if one stash is somehow lost or stolen, you have a backup.
• Flashlight with extra batteries.
• Day pack if you need to carry a few things with you but don’t want to take your huge backpack.
• Spanish books/phrase books to help with language, English reading material if you want to read books or magazines. It isn’t common to find things written in English, although sometimes there are book exchanges at touristy places.
• Earplugs if the roosters crowing at 4am every morning will bother you.
• Notebook/pens/pencils
• I didn’t use a money belt while I was there, and never had any trouble, but it does sound like a good idea now that I think about it.
• Bring copies of your passport, airline ticket, drivers license, student I.D., hostel card, ISIC card, etc. Give your copies to someone you are traveling with or put them in a separate piece of luggage. Another option is to make “virtual” copies and hold them in your e-mail inbox should you need them.
• A few ziplock bags in various sizes. This will help with leaks, things getting, and all sort of things you probably can’t think of yet
• Locks for your Pack - a small, code lock (preferred over key locks which can get too easily lost. Depending on the sorts of places you will be staying, you may want to bring a metal cord that you can also use to lock your bag to the bed or desk or something
• If you are going to be there a long time, you may want to bring an inflatable mattress.  I did not do this and after several months had bruises on my hips from sleeping on “mattresses” that were not quite as soft as I was used to. While I’m sure you can buy an air mattress in Nicaragua, they aren’t on every street corner. But don’t bring this if you are hiking around all over the place.  They are bulky.
• The Moon Handbooks Guide to Nicaragua.  Far better than the Footprint guide.
• Checkout http://www.onebag.com/checklist.html which is all about packing light and well.

I’ll add to this if I realize I forgot something…

Layout Adjustment

As you can see, I am experimenting with the layout.  I like how this one is wider in the middle - I don’t like how the text on the other one was in such a narrow column.  That said, I don’t want this to get too busy.  Feedback welcome.

p.s. I feel like my little “blog admin” tag should be longer… like “blog admin: aka elizabeth is procrastinating on something or trying to keep her mind off of something.” In this case, it is procrastinating on a response paper and trying to keep her mind off of responses to her ph.d. applications that should come any day now. And might I mention that the responses will likely not be good thanks to the evil GRE which I scored dreadfully on. Which I am mostly okay with but I just want to know so I can get on with things.

So Much to Say, So Little Time

So my job as head gluer at the Andover Divinity School library (I glue every single label on every single book) has been more time-consuming than I envisioned and cut into my blogging time. Part of this is also because I want to craft each post as if I was painting my ultra-final masterpiece to go in a very fancy museum. That has to stop. So I’m going to try to post shorter, sweeter, and with less explanation. First posting will be my (I am sure long- and eagerly-awaited) Eating Sustainably and Lovingly Tips. I’m going to do that right now.

What’s to come…

The next post will be of the foster kittens (finally!). I’ll link to it from Craigslist where we advertise for potential adopting families.

Otherwise, I have a few things I’ve been meaning to write about but thanks for a never-ending paper, it just hasn’t happened yet.

Here is what’s to come after the paper is done (or, should I say IF it is ever done):

In UU World Bill Sinkford writes about what he calls the central act of religious community. You can see the article here. He says that the central act of the religious community is worship. I’m not so sure.

I’m going to the reproductive rights conference sponsored by Spiritual Youth for Reproductive Freedom in DC next week. SYRF is a subgroup of the Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice. I’m interested to see what it will be like and to learn more.

Now onto the foster kittens. I hope soon I’ll be back to my regular blogging self.

Greetings to FUUSMers

Hi especially to friends and members of First Unitarian Universalist Society of Middleboro that read this. Just a note to let you know that I have not, in fact, fallen off the face of the earth but rather with travel to Kentucky and final papers I’ve had to be home recovering from travel or working hard for the last few Sundays. Officially, my “job” at FUUSM runs from September to May 1, but I will still be around quite a bit this summer continuing work on the Green Sanctuary project, adult education, and other things here and there. W. and I will attend our “home” church here in Cambridge some, too. Just to provide an update since a few kind souls have emailed to wonder where I am :)

And, for those of you waiting breathlessly for the pictures of the new foster kittens, it will be a few more days because the first set of pictures had them all with glowing eyes and it looked like we had a collection of possessed kittens. So as soon as final papers are turned in we’ll have another photo session and you can see the cute little faces of Blake, George, Savannah and Olivia. Back to the paper-writing grind. -Elizabeth