Polyamory on Susie Bright’s Blog

Susie Bright is known as a sex-positive feminist. I like a lot of the stuff she says and does. Not all of it, mind you, but a lot.

I know polyamory/non-monogamy/having more than one partner (there are varying opinions as to if these are different things and to what extent) is a point of contention in some Unitarian Universalist circles, and I don’t want to reignite some sort of dramatic blogosphere discussion (as happened in July). But I did want to point out a recent posting on Susie Bright’s (possibly not work safe*) blog, “Peppermint, On The Strange Credibility of Polyamory,”* which LINKS TO THIS BLOG. Susie Bright is sort of famous. And her blog links to a posting on polyamory right here on this very blog. This is almost as exciting as being mentioned in UU World!

So, if this is a topic that interests you, I suggest you read the post. And just look around her blog. Remember, I don’t agree with everything she says (please don’t post comments pointing out what you believe to be the problematic things she says and does) and you don’t have to either. But she does say a lot of important, good stuff that we need to hear in a world where sex-negative, embarrassed, sad, and shameful feelings are way too common when it comes to sexuality and our bodies.

Afterthought: While Rev. Debra Haffner (sexologist, minister, and the Director of the Religious Institute on Sexual Morality, Justice, and Healing) and Susie Bright have quite different approaches to promoting healthy attitudes about sexuality, and likely many points of disagreement, I thought that I would point out Rev. Debra Haffner’s blog Sexuality and Religion: What’s the Connection? because Rev. Haffner also strikes me as a very sex-positive person that we are lucky to have as part of Unitarian Universalism. Take a look. Her blog is excellent.

*It really depends on how sensitive your work is about what is “work safe”. Breasts are on the page. But as Susie Bright herself points out in the comments, it isn’t anything more than you would see in Vanity Fair or Vogue.

*Correction: In my excitement about being linked to on Susie Bright’s blog, I failed to read carefully and originally thought Susie Bright wrote the post On the Strange Credibility of Polyamory, but it is in fact a reposting from another blog by another author, PepperMint. Still, it is on her blog and still worth the read.

God’s Gift to Women: Discovering the Lost Greatness of Masculinity

I’m working hard on finals and Latin, but in searching for some books for a paper on sexual purity, I found this baby which I thought was just so great, I had to share. Because, really, don’t you think that what we need these days is a book explaining how masculinity is God’s gift to women? In case you want to order it as a stocking stuffer for that special woman in your life who might not yet know about this gift from God, click on the link.

God’s Gift to Women: Discovering the Lost Greatness of Masculinity

What’s up with down there? Tyra Banks talks about vaginas.

So Tyra Banks has her own talk show, which I didn’t really know, and apparently there is going to be a whole show on vaginas (or, as they say in the advertisement “down there”). As some of you may remember, Harvard Divinity School put on The Vagina Monologues a few years ago, which is where my passion for talking about and feeling comfortable with the idea and the word and the actual vagina was nurtured. (Side note: I am shocked that I didn’t post about it on my blog, but apparently, I didn’t. Luckily Philocrites did and you can read about it here (and on the HDS website). Our slogan was “God Loves Vaginas” which I still think is brilliant. We even had t-shirts made. Very fun. But I digress.) Anyway, my point is that I was excited to hear that a mainstream TV show was going to talk about vaginas. I first read about it here at People magazine where they use the word vagina in the article.

But, in preparing this posting, I went to the Tyra Banks show website here and watched a clip that made me wonder if this was something to be excited about. The clip from the show seems so dramatic and exactly the opposite of what I would want. Based on this little clip, it seems more like “Ohmygod we’re totally going to talk about down there. Dum da dum dum dum,” rather than “Let’s talk about sexuality and sexual health and our bodies” in a way that acknowledges that this is a difficult issue, has baggage, but also celebrates and tries to demystify our vagina and our sexuality. Clearly you can see why I am not a talk show host. Not exciting. Not dramatic.

Is it better to talk about “it” some even in a weird talk-show sort of way, or not at all? I guess I would fall on the side of better to talk about it some, even in a talk-show sort of way. Although I would have to see the whole show to really say. If any one watches it, let us know. Maybe it is a step in the right direction. I wonder if you can actually say vagina on network TV? They certainly made sure not to say it in the clip on the website.

The Queen of the Scottish Fairies; NYTimes story about a little boy that loved his skirt

http://modan.blogs.nytimes.com/** This so reminds me of something that we would read in Women’s Studies 101. In a way, I love it. I wish that things ended so lovely. Maybe in Cambridge, MA they do. I’m with the mom on this, mostly, except stories like this do leave out important things. We read this story X: Fabulous Child’s Story and I always thought it was a little too idealistic. Great if your kid is all about just being his or herself and ignores gender norms. But these sorts of stories leave out the part where a child in his/her preschool class calls him a fag, and then the next door neighbors call your husband a pansy, and then the kid eventually gets beat up in second grade, the principal calls you, the teacher calls child protective services, and then the child is in therapy and hates you because you let him wear a tutu when he was 4. Not that all this should happen and maybe it won’t if you live in a super-progressive town, but in Ohio or Kentucky, mostly, I’m pretty sure my version of what could happen is a best-case-scenario.

Anyway, I still loved the story and long for a world where there are happy endings to boys that want to wear skirts.

**I realized that this is a New York Times select article. Darn it! Okay, so I’ll explain. It is a little cartoon/book/story on Ruth Modan’s blog about a little boy that loves to wear his tutu. The dad doesn’t think this is a great idea. The mom is like, “Hey, just let him be.” So the boy wears the tutu and is happy. Finally, they are going to a costume party and the dad can’t take it anymore, and then the daughter says “Let him wear my plaid skirt” and so then it is more like a Scottish tartan and the dad thinks it is more acceptable, and then at the end the little boy announces that he is the queen of the scottish fairies, which of course, was not quite what the dad was looking for. Its cuter when you read it than when I describe it.

Snoop Gives His Take on Imus

This quote (see below) is particularly interesting to me given my twelve-year journey with some young men whom I’ve been lucky enough to mentor, two of whom are African-American and listen to Snoop Doggy-Dog and other such folks. I feel like twelve years later we are still have the same conversations. They go something like this:

One of the young men: Lizabeth, can we change the station?

Me: Yes, but if offensive songs come on we have to change it.

One of the young men: Okay.

(Offensive song comes on the radio)

Me: Please change.

One of the young men: They are bleeping out the words. Why do we have to change it?

Me: I can’t hear that kind of stuff being said about women even if it is being bleeped out. We all know what they are saying.

One of the young men: But we don’t really think that. Either do they.

Me: Don’t you think some people believe it and then these songs seem to make it okay? Do you think it is okay to call women bitches or hoes?

One of the young men: Well only if it is accurate. They aren’t talking about all women.

Me: Well I still don’t like it. We listened to your station enough. Let’s listen to NPR.

And so it goes. The young men are WONDERFUL people and I love and admire them all with the depth of my heart. I think, by and large, they are kind and loving and generally respectful of women, at least more so than most men. They have stopped calling women/girls “chickenheads” which I thought was a good step. :) Yet. I hate that sort of music and I hate that they listen to it and I know it influences them. And thanks to Mr. Snoop D.D. talking about Don Imus, we can see maybe where they get some of their ideas.

If you are offended by rough language, read no further. Here are Snoop’s comments on Imus in response to a comparison between Imus and rap lyrics that ROUTINELY degrade women, including SDD’s lyrics. Oh the outrage Mr. SDD must feel. Bless his little heart. (cough)

It’s a completely different scenario. (Rappers) are not talking about no collegiate basketball girls who have made it to the next level in education and sports. We’re talking about hoes that’s in the ‘hood that ain’t doing shit, that’s trying to get a nigga for his money. These are two separate things. First of all, we ain’t no old-ass white men that sit up on MSNBC going hard on black girls. We are rappers that have these songs coming from our minds and our souls that are relevant to what we feel. I will not let them muthafuckas say we are in the same league as him. Kick him off the air forever.

Except, my dear SDD, guess what? All women suffer from your attitudes towards women and lyrics about women not just those in the “hood” that you assess “ain’t doing shit.” I think Imus is stupid and should be fired (how did he even stay on the air this long anyway?), but I want to see more outrage toward any sort of degrading talk about women and/or people/women of color. I don’t care of your sexism comes from your soul, Snoop. It hurts women, and it hurts the women and boys and men and girls that hear your music and know ALL THE WORDS and sing along and think it is just fine. And most of them are not thinking you are talking about particular women out to get money - such a cop out - because you aren’t and that is clear from your songs. You use women and bitches interchangeably.

Anyway. I thought that quote was important to share. I’m glad to see the outrage about Imus. But stuff like that should get you fired in a blink of an eye. I suppose at least it is helpful that they did it sooner than later.

p.s. I know some of my posts are getting a tad more snarky than usual. I’m not sure what that is about. Maybe a phase? I go through thinking I need to make this an ultra-professional blog, and a more casual approach that allows sarcasm and snarkiness where it is called for. I suppose it is all about balance. Biting commentary can somehow sometimes get a point across in a way that journalistic or academic sort of writing can’t. Yet, it is overdone in the blog world and I don’t want to contribute to that over-done-ness.

Mostly Naked Skeleton-Like Women Looking Almost Dead in Some Sand

I saw an ad/video clip thing about the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition that is about to come out. I didn’t watch the video, but based on the picture that you see here (which was the “cover” to the video clip), I thought that maybe Sports Illustrated would like some help thinking of creative subtitles for the swimsuit edition. If the whole “Mostly Naked…” one doesn’t work for you, please feel free to suggest others. I was also thinking that “Mostly Naked Starved Sickly Women Who Have Collapsed from Hunger In the Sand” might work too…

While I am being sarcastic, I do mean to be quite serious about the issues that such sickly (not to mention drugged-looking) models bring up about body image, sexuality, and women. I find pictures such as the one below simply irresponsible. Magazines, companies, models, Hollywood, beauty companies, etc. are not somehow immune to the moral responsibility that comes with distributing anything to the public or being in the public eye, particularly when it influences younger people who often do not have the ability or will to be able to sort out the messages that something like the below picture c

onveys. I know that I, raised as a feminist, was still deeply impacted by the images of women and beauty like the one below and I know of no women in my culture who was not similarly impacted. But, as with so many things, I can’t think of a good way to legislate moral responsibility when it comes to bodies, body image, and perceptions of beauty. So I am just left to blog about it and do my little part. Which feels so little sometime. Sigh.

Now This is an Image of Beauty that Makes Me Happier

This was on feministing.com and I thought it was a great follow-up to the sickly looking picture of Kiera Knightly two posts ago. You can read the full feministing post here.

Healthy Bodies

Periodically, I post pictures of celebrities here with some commentary. I feel as though I hardly need to include my commentary here, but I’ll do the work that People magazine would do if they were not falling down on the job: this is just too skinny. I don’t even know who Keira Knightley is, but she is so skinny she doesn’t look good. I know. I know. We should all know this, right? Yet, I know of ZERO women my age that do not struggle with body image and wish to be at least one or two sizes smaller if not 6 sizes smaller. And it is because pictures like this are in People magazine as if it is the most normal thing to be splashing around in the ocean looking like this. It is not normal and this needs to be said more. And internalized (the hard part, of course).

More substantive posts come when rough draft of thesis is done on Friday. But I will post some lovely pictures from our German adventure soon.

Remember - exercise, eat healthily, and love your body the way it was made to look - with some bumps and curves.

Ms. Magazine Feature: We Had Abortions

Ms. Magazine’s fall issue that will be released next week has a cover storied titled “We Had Abortions.” Thousands of women nationwide have signed it. You can sign it here, read the petition here, and I was very glad to see that there was an option that says “I have not had an abortion but I stand with my sisters in support of safe, legal and accessible abortion and birth control” that you can sign if you have not had an abortion but want to stand in solidarity with women who have.

This is so important because it sends the message “Do not be ashamed. We stand together affirming our right to control our own bodies and our own lives.” Even many who support the right of a women to choose to have a legal, safe abortion tend to follow it up with such statements as “if there is no other option” or “of course, I, personally, would never be able to do such thing” as if having an abortion is something “other” women do who obviously made bad choices or who were in absolutely desperate situations but that “we” would never do unless our lives depended on it.

It feels like, to me, those who do not support the right of a woman or a couple to choose a safe, legal abortion have succeeded in much of what they aim for. They have made it very difficult to end a pregnancy - intimidating doctors, clinic workers, women and via legislative restrictions - and have managed to stigmatize the ending of a pregnancy, to promote it as something to be ashamed of. While I respect the preference of women to keep parts of their lives to themselves, I think often it goes beyond simple preference for privacy and is about being shamed into silence. I like Ms.’s campaign because it says “This is not something we have to be ashamed of. This is a basic right. It has been a part of women’s lived experience for thousands of years. It is not immoral, a crime, or shameful.”

I think for many women, abortion is a very difficult decision and I respect the range of feelings and thoughts that women have about how they have, or would handle the situation (although I think often we do not know how we would handle the situation until we actually face it). That said, I wish there was a way to bring a little perspective to the trauma that so many women feel with abortions, much of which I feel is a shame and trauma the movement against safe and legal abortions has helped to promote. They want us to feel horrible about getting an abortion. And they have done a good job of that. But I don’t think it is something that one should have to feel terrible about. Not that it is something that women should feel somehow happy about - just as one does not feel happy about using emergency contraception or birth control. I don’t mean to imply that abortion is the same as these things, but just that controlling one’s reproduction is part of life and not a shameful or morally problematic endeavor. I think legitimate questions exist as to when a fetus becomes a person and that all are free to make individual decisions about what they think about that and how they act related to that. I feel as though a reasonable chance of viability is when things get ethically more difficult. Prior to that, however, I want to encourage women to feel like this is a less dramatic issue that it has been made to be - respecting that we all must travel our paths in our own way, but also being aware that those who oppose the right to safe and legal abortion have been able to profoundly influence the rhetoric and tone of the ethical and moral implications of a first-trimester/early-second-trimester abortion.

I would like to craft this response more carefully but I have to prepare for a presentation on Plato for tomorrow.

Breastfeeding in Class

So, in one of my classes, there is a new mom. She mentioned the possibility of breastfeeding in class (it is a smallish seminar) to which I and a few other students responded positively, with no one really seeming to oppose it. The prof. (who is actually a ph.d. student, a new mom herself) responded that she had an office if the mom would feel more comfortable there. I feel strongly that moms should be able to breastfeed where ever and whenever the baby is hungry. I subscribe to Mothering magazine which is not perfect, but overall is really good and fits well with how I hope to raise children someday. There are frequently articles about how new moms often have to deal with being asked to go somewhere else or being made to feel ashamed for breastfeeding in public. (As a side note, while it wouldn’t bother me if a breast was showing, we aren’t talking about topless women feeding here - typically no skin can be seen due to very creative breastfeeding tops or a light blanket thrown over the shoulder.) But back to the class story. So after class the professor send an email to all of us except the breastfeeding mom asking if we would feel comfortable with her breastfeeding in class. If someone didn’t feel comfortable with it, the mom and baby would go somewhere else to feed. I was not in love with the idea of a breastfeeding mom needing permission from the class and responded to the prof. that breastfeeding is a perfectly natural and normal thing and that if someone felt uncomfortable with it, perhaps they could leave for a while while the baby was breastfeeding. I tried to say this very diplomatically, but firmly, noting that I do not believe that it is the responsibility of the breastfeeding mom to take responsibility for other people’s uncomfortableness with it. I am not a very conflict-seeking person, and typically avoid it at all cost unless it seems very important to me. This seemed sort of important, but I also felt like I needed to say it to be true to myself instead of just rolling over and playing fair-weather-feminist. The professor was very nice about it, but in the end I felt like all my standing up for breastfeeding justice was a little misguided when the professor told me that it was in fact the breastfeeding mom who asked the professor to ask the class if they would be comfortable with it. So here I thought I was standing up for a mom (for moms everywhere! for breasts everywhere!) who might be banished to an office to feed when, instead, the mom (presumably) was pretty chill about the whole thing and trying to be thoughtful to those who might be uncomfortable. Still, I’m glad I wrote the letter. But it still made me feel a little sheepish. I have another sheepish story to tell at some point (two in one day! yay!), but I’m off to WomenChurch, an ecumenical gathering of women at the divinity school tonight. I wrote the opening prayer. Perhaps I’ll post it.